Hacking Masculinity: 12 Hacks to Help Men Be Awesome
No doubt about it.
There’s a new breed of men making their mark upon the world today.
Men who are rising from the ashes of the macho alpha-male jerk and the sensitive new-age nice-guy.
Men burning the rulebook of what it means to be a man, smashing the stereotypes and forsaking the restrictive, outdated definitions that’ve been passed down through the generations.
And in the wake of this trail of destruction, men are stepping up and discovering their masculinity on their own terms.
Courageous men, authentic men, compassionate men, everyday men.
In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the midst of a masculine evolution.
And we’re championing this evolution here at Your Primal Essence. It’s our desire to usher in this new breed of man. So we set out to find the trailblazers at the leading edge of men’s personal development work and asked them to report back from the frontline.
Below are their responses to the question “What’s your number 1 masculinity ‘hack’ to help men be awesome?”
This is by no means a complete list however.
And rather than impose a new set of impossible standards for men to live up to, the aim here is to support men in finding their own way. To find their own unique definition of what it means to be an awesome man.
As always, implement what works for you and discard what doesn’t. Remember that in the game of life YOU get to choose the rules.
HACK #1: Adopt Empowering Worldviews
8 worldviews that will set you free today:
1. Real men ask for help.
2. Don’t outsource your power.
3. What one man can do, any man can do.
4. Cry when you’re sad. It’s just something humans do.
5. Be so fucking awesome that you’re impossible to ignore.
6. Tell the truth until it doesn’t hurt anymore. This is real healing.
7. The universe provides for those who have a sense of urgency.
8. If you’re reading these words right now, you’re ready. Get in the game.
HACK #2: Be In Your Body
Want to know how to be on purpose?
It’s actually very simple. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.
When a man is IN his body – truly present in his feelings and sensations, it’s very difficult for him to NOT be on purpose. The body and emotions are giving us accurate feedback of WHO we are and what we need to do (or not do) 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Unfortunately most of us learned how to NOT feel pretty early on in life. We learned to switch off. Our connection to our cocks, to our guts, and to our hearts very quickly eroded as we became MIND based beings.
I know a lot of men (myself included) can blame women, or family for distracting them, for pulling them off course.
The thing is, if you are deeply connected to yourself, that’s just not possible. The only way we can agree to something that isn’t truly aligned with who we are is when we’re up and out of our bodies and living in a mental construct or daydream.
The man who resides in his belly, balls and heart KNOWS what he is and isn’t willing to do in any moment.
Because it hurts to go against it.
So the question isn’t “how do I know my purpose?”. The question is “how do I learn how to feel?”
Luckily it’s very simple to start.
My recommendation for any man wanting to learn to feel his feelings is this: place your hands on your belly and gently breathe into it for 20 minutes each day.
Sit and pay attention to what you feel.
You’ll be amazed what you learn…
HACK #3: Learn This Dangerous Skill
No, it’s not some crazy wilderness survival skill or badass ninja martial art.
It IS a skill that will save your life though.
It’ll save you from a life of mediocracy and settling for average.
Because in a world that rarely encourages you to dare and dream big, or be bold and shine your brightest light…
The most dangerous skill you’ll ever learn is Self-love.
It’s the ultimate act of defiance.
Most of us were never taught how to truly love ourselves. What we learnt instead was the expectations of our culture, family and friends. The narrow and restrictive list of ‘shoulds’ which dictate our lives. We learnt to abandon our deepest heart’s desires in favour of fitting in and getting along.
But self-love gives you the ultimate superpower of freedom. Freedom to make your own choices and define yourself on your own terms.
You will never master this skill however. Self-love is not a destination you can ever fully arrive at.
It’s a practice – a forever practice.
You’ll be continually presented with opportunities to sharpen and hone this skill.
Embrace those opportunities. They’ll expose all of the ways in which you abandon yourself, judge yourself and make yourself ‘not good enough’.
You will continually face all of the dark, shadowy recesses of your psyche where your demons live.
Embrace those demons. They often go by the names of Guilt, Shame, Fear and Abandonment. And the dreaded There’s Something Wrong With Me monster.
Invite them up out of the basement. Set out some deck chairs in the front yard and lay in the sun together.
Make friends with your oppressors. Because when you find the courage to love every single aspect of yourself, you set yourself free.
And freedom is a rare commodity in this world.
So be dangerous and love yourself like your life depends on it.
Because it totally does.
HACK #4: Your Balls Are Bigger Than You Think
It’s one of those pieces of advice men often get – ‘own your balls’ (or something to that effect). But if all you’re doing is ‘owning’ the bits in the sack between your legs, you’re missing out on how big and powerful those guys really are.
One of the things you learn in QiGong (well, depending on the school) is that your balls start in your lower back – in particular with your kidneys. They also extend all the way down your legs to your feet. It’s all part of the one energetic system.
Yes, your ‘balls’ are really as big as pretty much everything from your kidneys down to your feet.
Energetically speaking that is.
So how do you connect with your big energy balls?
There’s a few ways to do it, but one really simple hack is a quick testicle massage – the whole testicle.
Start at the bottom of the feet – in particular just behind the front pad in the centre line of the foot there is a depression. This is where your energy connects to the Earth. And where your balls start.
Massage from there up to the inside of your ankle (the Qi travels up the inside of your leg). Then up to the inside of your knee. Then up to your groin. Massage here, and your perineum. Then get your finger tips just behind your sack and gently lift out and release your testes, making a circular motion up as you pull out and down and relax in.
Massage your shaft. Massage your sacrum. Massage your lower back near the bottom of your rib cage – i.e. where your kidneys are.
Now wipe from your kidneys to sacrum to testes to groin down the inner legs to the feet.
Now own your balls.
HACK #5: You Don’t Need To Do It Alone
The single biggest (and most common) mistake I see men make is thinking they need to come up with all the answers on their own. That a real man should be able to figure it all out by himself.
Somehow it’s perceived as weak to seek out guidance and ask questions — that a real man wouldn’t admit he doesn’t have it all figured out. And that if he wants to find his purpose, incredible relationships, success in business, or anything that matters to him, he needs to do it alone.
That’s the biggest load of crap you’ll ever hear.
A real man knows he’s capable of more and if he doesn’t live to his potential, he doesn’t really live at all. He doesn’t settle for ‘good enough’ when he can have great. He wants to live the life he’s meant to live, not the one that other people tell him he should. And he knows that to do all of that, he needs to start by accepting the reality that no man can do it alone.
Stop letting your pride hold you back. You’re here to get results and the best way to get them is to reach out and find the people that can help you get where you need to go.
We all need support. We all need guidance. We need better answers and we need better questions.
Real men allow themselves to be vulnerable — not because they’re weak but because they are strong. Because they have courage. Because they realize that if they’re going to live the life they’re meant to live, being vulnerable isn’t an option, it’s a necessity.
Once you understand that, the rest will take care of itself.
(Editor’s note: The use of the term ‘real man’ caused quite the controversy! If you’re interested in following the conversation and reading Cory’s response, you can check that out on Facebook here )
HACK #6: Master Ejaculation
After practicing and studying for over 15 years, I’ve developed this five-step model to hack your masculine power with ejaculation control:
1. Understanding your ‘why’
Reflect on why coming before you want to doesn’t serve you and how it’s affecting your relationships, confidence, wellbeing and even career. This will give you the reason, the ‘Big Why’ to commit to every time you have sex.
Learn to become aware of how aroused you are. Orgasm happens at the level of 100% of pleasure. Your ‘point of no return’ (PNR) is at around 80%. If you reach this point, it’s already too late, and you will ejaculate.
So during masturbation or sex, keep feeling into how aroused you are, and make sure you stay at around 40-60% of your pleasure.
Before you get too aroused, simply STOP – either pause or actually pull out. Sometimes you will need to move away from her or even leave the bed. Communication is important here.
This is where most men fail, so make sure you slow down or stop well before the PNR.
Think of your sexual energy as a heavy load that you are carrying in your genital area. While it’s there, you remain too aroused, too close to the PNR, and you can’t keep having sex without ejaculating.
You need to MOVE this load away from your genitals, into the rest of your body and specifically up your spine.
If you really want to experience the life-changing effects of this practice, minimise or avoid ejaculation all together, and make sure you keep moving your energy after sex. Soon you will experience whole-body orgasms without ejaculation and never look back!
HACK #7: Be Like the Sun
Ultimately, true masculinity isn’t about taking from the world. It’s about what you give to people around you every day. Your self-expression is a work of art and a wonderful way to give to the world. When you’re socialising or out talking to women, don’t come from a ‘getting’ mindset.
You’re there to unconditionally give your attention and personality. The main driver of being able to do this is self-love. If you’re already fulfilled, this allows you to be like the sun. That big ball of fire shines every day and provides the energy for life. But it never asks for something in return and it just gives unconditionally.
To become more like the sun, you need to realise that external things will never make you happy. You have to go inwards to find your fulfilment. Happiness based on external circumstances is by default fleeting, but happiness from the inside is lasting. When you’re fulfilled from the inside, you’ll be at peace with everything in your life. Great inner peace equals happiness.
This isn’t easy because the inside of your being is a difficult place to look. All the pain, insecurities, self-doubt, traumas and false beliefs cloud your inner peace. It often takes working with your shadow side to go from a clouded perception to one of love and peace. This process itself is more about letting go than fixing things. It’s about realising on a deep level you’re OK in this moment.
From that place, you can start giving to the world. It will be your gift that you can give at any time and at any place. If people want to join your fun and be part of your life, that’s something good. But if they don’t, that’s fine too. You just give and don’t need anything in return. This all certainly isn’t easy and takes a lifetime to master. That’s the beauty of it. Try to enjoy the process.
HACK #8: Breathe In Your Butt
At The Man Lab I do all sorts of experiments. This one is surprisingly easy and a little unusual.
Breathing through your arse. Your anus to be precise.
This is all about presence and whole body breathing. Your body is a simple tube with 2 major openings. When you breathe fully, your PC and anus muscles naturally relax and dilate. Exaggerating this natural inclination of the body has instant affects on your level of presence AND releases a butt load of tension (pun intended) in and around your anus.
Why is this important I hear you ask?
Well, you’ve likely stored a lifetime of tension in your butt. Learning to relax this area will result in deeper breathing AND if you allow this area to relax during sex or self pleasuring you’ll likely feel more energy circulating, instead of pooling. It will also help by giving you a stronger erection and contribute towards more self control and choice when ejaculating (or not).
So… the actual practice.
Sit on your butt, with a reasonably straight, comfortable spine. Pull your butt cheeks back so that you’re sitting on your sit bones. Place your hands on your belly and start to breathe into your hands. No force. Relax the body. Notice your current state / mood.
On your inhale, gently allow the anus to kiss the ground, so that it drops and has an opening feeling. This may require some practice and very gentle pushing. You’ll notice your belly button also moves out.
On your exhale, relax. This is not a PC squeeze exercise, just let everything be open and relaxed. Your belly will also go back to its relaxed position.
Repeat for a few minutes. Measure the difference.
This is how you breathe when you’re sleeping deeply.
Enjoy breathing in your butt.
Alex White is the head coach at The Man Lab, a space where men discover their pleasure full life and work through any obstacles in their way. He’s passionate about pleasure, relationships and sex as well as everything to do with our cocks.
HACK #9: Take Off the Mask
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past 20 years that I have been involved with men’s work is a lesson I learned from a therapist who gave a speech titled The Five Masks of Masculinity. As I listened I completely identified with his topic and it challenged me to really take a deep look within myself to uncover some of the hidden causes of a lot of the unhappiness in my life. It was a wake up call for me and was instrumental in my healing and growth process.
I’d like to share the five masks with you and I’d suggest that you take a moment and see if any of these masks resonate with you. As you read them, know that you may identify with all of them. But if you really check in with your feelings and intuition, chances are one of them will truly stand out for you and be the primary mask you may be wearing.
Here are The Five Masks of Masculinity:
1. The Mr. Nice Guy Mask (The people pleaser)
2. The Mr. Tough as Nails Mask (The angry disconnected type A personality)
3. The Mr. Money Bags Mask (The man who hides behind his material possessions)
4. The Mr. Gigolo Mask (The man who hides behind his sexual conquests)
5. The Mr. Stuck In His Head Mask (The over analytical thinker who processes everything from the neck up)
During the presentation I immediately resonated with the Mr. Nice Guy mask. I had always had this insatiable need for other people’s approval and was definitely a co-dependent do-gooder who didn’t know how to take care of his own emotional needs. Once I recognised this mask, I made the commitment that I was going to take it off and as a result of all the years of my inner work I can honestly say that I seldom put on the mask and I feel happy and whole without it.
So identify your primary mask and make the commitment to yourself to take it off and be the authentic man you were born to be.
HACK #10: Define Success On Your Own Terms
Sex, money, freedom, power.
These have become the basic elements for men to measure success.
Yet all too often what determines our behaviour is validation from external sources. We allow our own measure of success and worth to be dictated by others.
Think about it – what is success to you? Have you ever thought about it? When do you feel most successful and fulfilled – privately and publicly?
Often it comes down to these things:
- Athletic ability and/or physicality; how good you are at sports/athletic endeavours and what shape your body is in
- Sexual prowess; ability to get it and the physical qualities of the partner
- Financial success; more money means more security, means more power and/or ‘freedom’
Nothing really linked to what these provide for us internally or how we FEEL.
What these measures commonly translate to goes much deeper; as humans we seek connection. And as men this extends to significance, acceptance and respect, among others.
So in order to determine masculine success, first ask yourself what it would mean for you personally to be your own man and how that would look.
From here ask the question – what is success to me?
What do I need to feel and experience to be fulfilled?
Dig into the WHY behind the surface reasons and challenge yourself and the conditioned model. You’ll then have something you can personally own and take responsibility for. Something that is meaningful to you.
Ask what sex provides, what money provides, what freedom is about, what personal power would look like.
Think about your personal drivers, own the external ones, but tap into the internal ones that bring you feelings of personal pride and respect.
HACK #11: Stay True to Your Internal Compass
I was once told by an expert sailor that what I was about to do was so stupid that I would die.
Yet had I allowed another human to make a decision for me, I would not have had the most powerful set of experiences of my life. Bar none.
At age 50, I finally grew some balls and took off on an epic solo sailing adventure which was something I had dreamed of doing my entire life.
Adventure in any form is a driving need of males. We thrive on intensity. Think about something in your life right now which you keep hidden. Something you truly desire to go and do but are afraid of telling those in your life about.
Understand that the more we keep hidden, the heavier the load upon our shoulders. You want to go and do something positive and filled with intensity? Something you know deep down will only help you grow into the powerful man you wish to be? Commit to it and you’ll figure out how to make it happen.
Stay true to your Internal Compass.
And spread your wings and fly.
HACK #12: Penetrate the Feminine With Presence & Feeling
So much can be understood about the nature of the masculine and feminine by examining the act of sex and the dynamics that play out within sex itself. Sex mirrors life and life mirrors sex.
Within the act of sex, undeniably, a large part of the man’s role is to penetrate the woman with direction and purpose. Likewise, a large part of the woman’s role is to open herself up to and receive the man. In both cases this is not only a physical thing, it is energetic too.
Above and beyond the act of sex, a significant aspect of the masculine energy is to move outward and penetrate, not aggressively so but with presence and feeling. This includes his relationship to women, but also extends to his work and his life purpose.
As men, in training our ability to penetrate the feminine with presence and feeling, we sink more deeply into our masculine essence. We sink more deeply into who we are.
We can train this masculine capacity to penetrate with presence and feeling with a very simple life practice. All it takes is a little courage.
When we are inspired by a woman’s beauty, her energy, her femininity, whenever and wherever we happen to be, we simply move with direction and purpose and express it. And we do so with present-moment awareness, sensitivity and feeling.
Perhaps you’re in a coffee shop or a book store and you become captivated by the way a woman looks or the way she moves. You’re enlivened by her radiance and femininity, and so you let her know it.
You walk over and say, ‘Hey, I just wanted to tell you… (insert genuine, felt expression of your appreciation here)’. In doing this, without wanting or needing anything in return, not only do you spread love and appreciation but you hone into your masculine capacity to penetrate with presence and feeling.
The more that you tune into this frequency, the more that you tune into a critical aspect of your masculinity.
Still want more?
Want to contribute?
We’d love to feature your voice in a future edition of Hacking Masculinity. If you’re an author, coach, healer, practitioner, facilitator etc. working in the field of men’s personal development and have a hack to share, get in contact here.