Hacking Masculinity: 8 More Awesome Hacks From Women
You know the score by now.
The intention of Hacking Masculinity is to positively influence culture by shifting the way we think and speak about men and masculinity.
Continuing on from our last edition, part 4 features another eight high-calibre women answering the question: “What’s your #1 masculinity ‘hack’ to help men be awesome?”
Why ask women to comment on men and masculinity?
Because for all of us to thrive, we must bridge the gap between men and women. A gap that despite our gains, is still so evident in our culture today.
No doubt it’s a massive and multifaceted task. One that requires courage and initiative on a number of levels:
Acknowledging the collective pain we all carry.
Forgiving ourselves, and each other.
And ultimately, choosing to move beyond the antagonism – the victimisation and the victimhood, into a mutually beneficial and co-creative reality.
Where men and women work together, in harmony, creating a culture of co-operation and mutual empowerment.
A utopian fantasy?
Yet if we’re courageous enough to trail-blaze the way, others are sure to follow.
As always, the perspectives shared here are invitational in nature. Use them to ignite your natural curiosity for self-exploration, while ignoring what doesn’t authentically serve you.
Reece Stockhausen is passionate about helping men love themselves and be their own greatest authority. He supports men in building healthy relationships, having deeply connected sex, and creating lives that fucking rock. Apply for a free, no-obligation 90 minute Skype session to discover how he might best support you here.
HACK #1: Stop Taking Advice From Women
Allow me to clarify.
Women are most definitely able to assist men in blossoming into their manhood. However, most females in adult female bodies are functioning out of 1 of 2 distinct modus operandi:
The little girl.
Both of which will never be able to support you in understanding what being a man truly is.
The little girl will (unintentionally) guide you to being her “girlfriend”.
The mother will (unintentionally) guide you to being a “little boy”.
And both of them will eventually get tired of being with a man who is either a girlfriend or a son to them.
You need to become (possibly for the first time in your life) as intimate as you can with your own wants and desires, and follow them. Even if you make mistakes. Even if things go “wrong”. Do it.
You need to exercise taking the lead. You need to be your own authority. And you need to stop consistently looking outside of yourself for all the answers.
HACK #2: Stop Trying to Please Her
If you want the respect of a woman, tell her the truth even if you don’t think she’ll like it.
If she knows you tell her the truth, she can trust you. If she can’t trust you, she can’t surrender to your masculine presence – in bed or out.
Now, I’m not saying be an insensitive jerk when you speak that truth. You can tell the truth, any truth, with kindness and compassion.
A feminine woman loves it when you’re solid and you can express your truth directly with love. When you’re in touch with yourself. When you know what you need, want, desire – and what you don’t.
If you get soft and abandon your truth – whether you’re trying to make her happy or you’re trying to avoid a fight, either way, you’re doing you, her and any relationship you might be developing a devastating disservice.
I’m not kidding. Your truth is that important.
Trying to please her – when it’s not your truth, might get you an instantaneous smile in the moment. But in the long run, it breeds resentment and zaps sexual chemistry.
If you don’t clearly know your needs, wants, desires and boundaries, or you aren’t completely comfortable expressing them, it’s critical that you figure that out. It’s part of what I call finding your “Ecstatic Authenticity” which means you so love being you… you’re so comfortable and confident being you… that you’ll never twist yourself into a pretzel, sell yourself out or settle for anybody or anything ever again.
When you show up powerfully and confidently as you – the real you, the right woman will be putty in your hands!
HACK #3: Get Your Shit Together
Are you are dealing with serious life changes like a bankruptcy, divorce or job loss, or are you still angry with your ex?
Whether you want to believe it or not, all the emotions associated with these experiences are coming with you into your next relationship and potentially set it up for failure before you even begin.
It would be wise then to get those things handled with a relevant professional (therapist/coach/ financial consultant/lawyer) before you even think about dating.
Basically, if you want a quality woman and a great relationship, get your shit together.
So now what? How do you deal with these serious life changes?
Begin by acknowledging and accepting what happened; allow time for reflection and feel the feelings associated with the situation; evaluate who you have been that allowed this circumstance to arise; plan how you want your future to look; and finally, start doing things and being the kind of man that would give you the future you actually want.
All this isn’t to say that you need to wait for everything to be ‘perfect’. Your situation will never be perfect.
But, if you are coming from a place of anger, resentment and lack of self-love this will affect both the type of woman you bring into your life and how well you can show up for the relationship.
It’s ridiculous not to date just because you think your life isn’t together. A realistic evaluation of your life circumstances is key here and that might require some outside input.
This is your life. If you don’t love it, change it.
HACK #4: Bring Her Your Desire
It’s challenging some days to approach your partner for sex. The dismissive narrative of “men only want sex” rings in your ears. The fear of rejection can be crippling.
The times your partner has pushed you away or been too busy leave a sting behind. The capacity to keep approaching her diminishes.
You can pretend that sex is not that important; make yourself and your desire smaller. But it’s a big part of how you love her, feel her, how you connect.
You feel hungry and apologetic about your sexual desires. However, being needy and hungry results in less sex. More rejection.
Working with men for many years, I have heard this story over and over. Many men are afraid of being knocked back so approaching us becomes ineffectual.
However, women are innately feeling beings – we need something to respond to. If you dislike the current response to your approach, maybe it’s time to try something different.
Women respond to your sexual aliveness. We respond to feeling your sexual fire. That sexual fire is most potent when it’s claimed and owned authentically within your body. When you are alive with the force that moves you – it will move her.
Claiming your sexual fire starts with making your cock your best friend. Breathe into your cock – stimulate and connect with the depth of desire and sensation within you. Forget porn and fantasy, feel the sensations in your cock and how that flows through your body. What lives inside of you is far more potent than the images in your head.
Being connected to your cock in this way means that you approach her full of your potency and it takes the edge off any neediness. The power in your desire without need creates trust and safety for a woman. It feels safe for her to unravel.
Approach her from a place of seeing her in wholeness. The stories in your head project fantasy or expectation onto her. You are much more trustable when you aren’t grabbing or rushing ahead.
Simply breathing into the power of your body, this moment and your desire. Allowing connection to arise organically between you because she feels you buzzing with aliveness, and she wants to open and move towards that.
Let her feel your power and potency. The part of you that wants to penetrate to the core of her, let her feel that – all of that.
Women love feeling your desire. That is what we respond to. Unapologetic desire without fantasy, projection or expectation.
Martina Hughes is passionate about empowering men and women to discover, embody and express their authentic selves. She is the founder of Tantric Blossoming and the creator of Being a Sexual Man workshop and Being Man long weekend retreat, for supporting men to claim and live their true desires.
HACK #5: Mind-Fuck Your Woman
A woman’s sexuality is a slow simmering cauldron.
She needs you to turn up the heat to bring her to a boil.
Most women respond to words. While you are visually stimulated, a woman is more auditory. We take longer to warm up. We need more sustaining stimulation.
Call ahead; send texts.
Tell her how beautiful she looks when you are fucking her and how much you can’t wait to fuck her soon, so soon. Your woman should be wet and longing for you before you even enter the door.
You are the guide. Take her on a journey. The journey is the love you make to her. How you caress her skin and allow her to feel every shiver of ecstasy.
Most women have a rich fantasy life which they rarely let you know about. But don’t be afraid to explore this with her. Make it safe for her to tell you what she wants.
Bring in sexy scripts describing sex acts you have never done with her and feel into her response to being tied up, filled completely, held down and taken. If she starts to purr, moan, writhe, giggle and sigh you are on the right track. If she gives you a quizzical look, say, “Hey babe, I’m going to fuck your mind open as well as your body, come along for the ride.” Lower your voice, channel Barry White and caress her ear with your breath as you take her on a journey.
Still don’t know where to start?
Just describe what you see – what is sexy about her, how she responds to touch, the beauty of her curves, the sensuality of her body. Or slowly tell the details of an epic sex experience that you have had or imagine having with her.
Get into her head and she will let you into her body and soul.
HACK #6: Self Esteem – The Hottest Aphrodisiac
Genuine self-confidence is the sexiest… of ALL the sexy attributes that women look for in a man.
Sexier than 6 packs, sexier than pretty boy looks or even bad boy swagger (I said genuine confidence, remember?).
So many guys want me to give them a seduction manual. It’s not that simple. The inner work must be done.
If you’re walking around with low self-esteem no amount of smooth lines, Calvin Klein cologne or cheeky smiles is going to attract the woman of your dreams.
She will smell the inauthenticity.
Some say that the attainment of self-confidence arises from proving competence to yourself – acquiring a series of wins. There is certainly truth in that but it’s not the whole story.
In my book, true confidence can only stem from self-love and this is accessible to anyone, irrespective of competence or so-called ‘success’.
This is a confidence that comes from the inside out and shines out of you as an expression of carefree realness. It’s refreshing and it calls forth trust and yes, attraction.
Haven’t you noticed that you are at your most charismatic when you don’t really care what anyone thinks of you?… yeah, like two minutes before she walked in the room. You were funny and intelligently compelling, then she appeared and you constrain yourself, worried that something dumb will escape your lips.
So let me break it down to get you started on your genuine confidence quest.
1. Bring your shames into the light
Pay close attention to everything you:
Hide from others
Reject about yourself
Think you should or shouldn’t be saying, doing or thinking
Haven’t forgiven yourself for
This is the stuff that is holding you back!
2. Make a point of embracing each one of your shames
You are who you are, you’ve done what you’ve done and if you are anything like 100% of the population you’ll probably make a ‘mistake’ again tomorrow.
When you embrace your shames you have nothing to hide. The need to contain yourself tightly and cautiously leaves you, and you are free to be your true self.
For extra points get out and be vulnerable – share your shames with others, then you know you’re really making headway.
3. Set strong self-loving boundaries
Confident people don’t apologise for having standards for what they will and will not allow into their lives. These standards honour their needs and heartfelt desires.
4. Drop the ‘take it like a man’ , ‘be da’ man’, show up ‘like a man’ attitude
A genuinely confident man has nothing to prove. If you want to cry, then cry. If it’s funny, have a laugh. If the music makes you want to dance, go for it. Notice all the rules you have about how a man should be and see if you can move beyond that.
What if you had permission to express your power, your dynamism, your sexuality and your vulnerability?
No matter who you are, I don’t think there’s anyone out there that wouldn’t benefit from a self-confidence overhaul. And yeah, women will feel it. Maybe they’ll say “There’s something different about you, did you get a hair cut? Loose some weight? You look great!”
And IF they don’t, you won’t really care ’cause you’ll be having too much fun being you!
Alejandra Nicolazzo is a sexuality and intimacy coach specialising in sexual empowerment for men. Her approach combines experiential embodiment with the magic of tantric practice.
She sees the deep beauty in human imperfection and is an advocate for full self-expression and self love.
HACK #7: Turn Suppression into Expression
So often men withhold their emotions. From themselves and the people in their lives.
Not admitting what they want for themselves.
Not speaking what’s true for them.
And that can lead to stuffing down feelings, insecurities, wishes and desires.
This turns into pent up feelings which often cause resentment, defeat, sadness, fear, sorrow, disappointment, aggression and even anger.
More than anything, withholding leads to a mediocre, half-lived life existence.
It leads to complacency, withdrawal from their loved ones, coworkers, friends or partner.
Things don’t get resolved and relationships with others (or worst of all, with themselves) get tainted.
Here are 5 simple steps you can practice to turn suppression into expression.
1. Get clear. Take some quiet, alone time to find out what you are actually wanting/feeling.
2. Consider what outcome you want to create by sharing your truth. Understanding, trust, integration, creating boundaries, etc.
3. Create a container for the conversation you want to have with the other person. Set a time and date to discuss the matter.
4. Take a moment beforehand to get centered and grounded in what you want to share.
5. Express yourself compassionately. Be conscious not to fall into the shame and blame game, keeping your focus on your personal experience, needs, desires and feelings.
This practice moves you out of suppressing your truth to expressing it and can transform your life, relationships, love life, career and overall, your self-respect.
When you authentically express yourself consistently, you build relationships and a life that you can be satisfied with, along with deeper trust in yourself. You also create a safe space for the people around you to do the same.
Take the time to master this practice, and you’ll be well on your way to creating the life you truly want.
Brooke Alexandra, the founder of Upleveled Man helps men activate their highest potential. She assists her clients in upleveling their personal style & self-image, health & well-being along with cultivating a deeper understanding of themselves, sex & relationship dynamics so that they can live their most fulfilling life.
HACK #8: Men Lead, Even When They Don’t
If you are the only human in the room that has a penis, guess what? You get first dibs on setting the tone and direction of the room. Whether you want to or not.
Yep, you heard me, one way or another you are leading. You go first as the human male in the room, on the date, in the relationship.
It’s just how it works, energetically speaking. It’s a polarity and a primal drive hard-wiring thing.
It just is.
Oh you can defer your opportunity to hold space by retracting your personal authority. But you are still leading the room, just toward another more confident masculine authority. Which can be a woman by the way.
See, the most capable or sometimes simply the most overt masculine energy, will always lead the room, male or female.
So the question for any evolving man is, are you leading from a consciously awake place of well examined core-values? Or are you deferring your authority?
Are you missing out on opportunities to build self-respect and garner high-quality influence and loyalty, especially with female love interests?
The masculine in all of us thrives on respect and the feminine in all of us thrives on stability. If we aren’t consciously working with this, then the sub-conscious and the practical need of the situation will take over leadership.
In a love interest context, if he leads her, not deeper into her own sexual openness and self discovery, but to constantly having to stand in her masculine in the relationship, this is a set up for failure.
There will be a passion and spirit-dampening dynamic that is set in motion. Deferment of leadership always leads to a natural decline of healthy attraction in a relationship.
This is vital to work with for lasting sexual attraction with a woman. But this polarity dynamic holds true with all interactions a man has with men or women, all day long.
The conscious, evolving man devotes himself to learning to embody heart-open strong personal authority. This is the way of the evolving man. He seeks to impact the world and women in a potent, wise and loving way.
Men, please choose to lead wide awake. The world needs you more than ever, and inspired women want to feel good about devoting their gifts and graces to you.