Hacking Masculinity: 9 Awesome Hacks From Women
Welcome to the very special third edition of Hacking Masculinity.
It’s well and truly time for a dialogue that openly celebrates and champions men. Not from a place of superficial or egoic arrogance. Or competitive or comparative judgement. Rather, an honest and authentic appraisal of the infinite spectrum of manhood in 2017.
So in keeping with that intention, we felt it time to raise the stakes.
And what better way than to invite nine powerhouse women to share their best masculinity hacks.
Because it’s all well and good to have these conversations between men. That absolutely needs to happen. But if we limit this conversation to only men, well, we’re missing out.
So here are nine unique perspectives from women. If we’re willing to listen, there are some truly extraordinary and game-changing insights here.
And if you feel at all triggered by women sharing their perspectives on men and masculinity – excellent. Pay close attention.
As always, the intention here is not to feed you any more bullshit “how to Man” narratives, but to support you in the further awakening of your inherent awesomeness.
Reece Stockhausen helps men love themselves and be their own greatest authority. He supports men in building healthy relationships, having deeply connected sex, and creating lives that fucking rock. Apply for a free, no-obligation 90 minute Skype session to discover how he might best support you here.
HACK #1: Fuck Jenga
You’re taught to strive externally. To hustle. Succeed.
To prove your worth via your woman, your bank account, your work.
But finding your stability externally is setting your life up like Jenga.
Constantly efforting to make this precarious tower stand tall.
Knowing one “false” move and it all comes crashing down.
So I won’t tell you how to be awesome.
I imagine you already are.
But the key to discovering that, to powerfully living that, is (hands down) Self-Awareness.
…Which might not sound sexy.
But I assure you.
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, I was an insatiable woman.
Who met a Self-Aware man.
I saw him across the road and felt compelled to approach him.
I could feel the power of his presence.
How deeply rooted he was in himself.
He needed nothing from me.
And I could feel it.
It was so palpable. So foreign. So sexy.
I was intrigued.
And this once insatiable woman found a man who could finally meet her.
And it came down to his Self-Awareness.
His commitment to uncover and align his internal workings so he could create internal stability, independent of his circumstances.
His commitment to release his attachments to external things so he could find true freedom, in connection with something greater.
His commitment to create his own reality – from the inside out.
Because Fuck Jenga.
Self-awareness will transform your relationship to yourself. To the ones you love. And to the world around you.
And it doesn’t come from just sitting on a mat.
It’s far more human than that.
Use relationship as a crucible for self-awareness.
Practice keeping your heart open and holding the fullness of her emotional expression.
Without controlling it.
And without leaving.
Feel it all, and notice what comes up.
This will increase your self-awareness.
And teach you to remain in your center (while helping her feel safe).
Or you can put yourself in novel situations and practice the same.
Then you can begin to actually choose how you want to create your reality.
From the inside out.
You have the choice.
And self-awareness is the key.
HACK #2: Tell the Story of Your Cock
Have you ever considered that your cock has a story?
Has anyone ever asked?
Have you reflected on the journey you and your cock have been on, and has anyone ever listened?
Consider the impact and influence this body part has had on your self-esteem, life choices, relationships, and identity – be it shameful, glorious, pleasurable, painful, confusing, and everywhere in between.
Whatever your story… whatever you truth… it is valid… and it matters.
It is time for the cocks to speak, to have a voice, to be asked, and to be considered.
Like many people on the perpetual self-growth path, we are searching for places of new discoveries, in hopes to create more ease and joy and less pain in our lives. Is it possible that you need not travel far?
Perhaps as close as below your belt.
Although we are bombarded with explicit erotic exposure, these conversations remain largely in the dark and hidden in shadows. What kind of damage does it cause by keeping these sacred and precious experiences locked away? What fruits may lie ahead when we reveal and share the stories of our cocks?
Perhaps we can begin unwinding the pigeon-holed and myopic male sexual expression.
Take some time to bring curiosity and exploration towards the path of your cock and your sexuality.
What messages were you taught growing up?
What was it like the first time you ejaculated?
Where do you feel pride regarding your genitals?
What’s the worst path your cock has taken you down?
What does your cock want your lovers to know?
If you’re ready for the next level…
Find a man you trust, ask him about his journey and share yours. Open to the possibility of experiencing liberation through this process.
This is bold.
This is revolutionary.
HACK #3: Choose Reality Over Fantasy – It’s Actually HOTTER and More FULFILLING!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a fan of fantasy and sexual play. But a fantasy life where, instead of meeting people and situations head on, you:
- Pretend you’ve got it together and are always the rock
- Avoid asking questions, because you want to look like (and think you should) already know
- Try to steer women toward being HAPPY rather than connect amidst ALL their emotions
- Make choices based on what you think you SHOULD think, feel and want vs what you actually DO think, feel and want
…will NOT be fulfilling.
It’s like standing at a buffet full of amazing food… and starving. Or standing in front of beautiful, powerful women, maybe even having sex with them, but it’s empty.
Your needs aren’t met, the pleasure is actually just mediocre and you don’t get to feel loved, for real.
So what’s the difference between fantasy and reality?
Fantasy is keeping things nice, neat and pretty. It’s avoiding the grit to try to keep the goodies.
Call me crazy, but some of the best sex I’ve had was with tears streaming down my face, or beating on a man’s chest with anger.
Reality is messy, honest, raw and often scary.
It can seem like great sex in a relationship is created by focusing on sex itself. But more often it’s created when the hurt, mistrust, frustration, unacknowledged desires and lack of attraction are finally admitted and discussed.
It can seem like a woman will be more attracted to you if you prove your power and worth. But she’s more likely to want you when she finds that, in addition to your strength, you’re human and can be vulnerable.
When you’re willing to go into the fire of REALITY (with the right tools and attitudes) the love and sex you’ll experience gets hotter, more intimate and more exciting than you likely even imagine.
So the next time you’re tempted to bypass the reality in front of you, and choose what seems pretty over what’s real, think again.
When you move toward the raw truth, desires, fears and vulnerabilities, rather than attempting to create a fantasy, you’ll find a realm of profound love and soul-shaking sexual experience most people never get to experience.
Shana James has worked with nearly 1,000 men in the realms of sex, success and power – men who are serious about having a powerful impact by day and earth-shaking love making by night – to make sure when your time comes you look back on your life and think “Holy Shit! Now that was the amazing ride I wanted.”
HACK #4: Penetrate Her Three Ways
HACK #5: Women Aren’t Turned Off By Virgins
Yeah, all that “to attract a woman you have to prove that you’re desired by other women because evolutionary psychology” stuff?
Big Nope. Here’s why.
A) Women are not impressed by the things most men think they will be impressed by.
This is vital.
Fast cars, fancy watches, terrifying muscle mass, and a harem of past conquests may seem like the Golden Formula for attracting women.
“She’s got to be impressed by my money, possessions and physical prowess!” And sure, some women are, or pretend to be, to get access to that money.
But most aren’t. Most are much more impressed by presence and integrity than expensive presents and six pack abs.
B) Many women are actively turned on by the idea of a sexually inexperienced man.
Because many men who consider themselves vastly experienced also believe themselves to be Experts in Sexually Pleasing Women. They have their moves, their routine, and their posturing down… regardless of what this particular woman wants.
Often, a big part of their identity is tied up in being “good” at this “skill”. Whereas…
C) Good Sex is not about DOING.
It’s about BEING.
Good sex isn’t determined by the positions, moves, acts or routine. It isn’t a formula.
It’s the ENERGY BETWEEN LOVERS.
It’s your heart hammering, her breath coming in gasps, both of you moving by instinct, like wild animals. Out of your minds – not stuck in your mind, over thinking things – like which of your fancy moves to use next!
Being Lost In The Moment requires BEING IN THE MOMENT. Showing up to the moment, without a map, with an open mind and an open heart, ready for an adventure.
That’s what we want!
HACK #6: Generously Give More Than Your Dick
The best way to test, train and enhance your Masculinity as a Man is to deepen your ability to GIVE.
Not only of your penis, but of your time, attention, money, mind and spirit.
Erase any trace of your Scarcity mentality and train your ability to give UNCONDITIONALLY to your woman, your children, your tribe.
You know you’ve grow into a MAN as the fear of “giving too much to a woman and not being reciprocated” leaves you.
When the idea “if things don`t go as planned with her, everything I gave her is LOST” disappears.
When her not offering to pay for her dinner when you ask her out, doesn’t freak you out.
When you don`t cling onto the idea that men and women are EQUAL and instead, demand from yourself to give your woman more than she`d ever expect from you, because you are truly RESOURCEFUL.
Because you are here to protect her and provide for her, not only on a physical level, but also on an emotional and spiritual level – and you totally own that.
As an evolved man, refuse to ever consider yourself a victim – in either intimate relationships or social circumstances – and take back your power by reconnecting to your RESOURCEFULNESS.
Practice giving. Give give give, until it becomes your second nature.
Give freely, give happily. Give generously.
Give because you CAN.
Have the wisdom to generously give more than your dick.
HACK #7: Work Through Your Shit With Women
There are some things that paralyze almost all men.
And re-patterning this ONE root level trauma serves your woman, your (future) children, and yourself simultaneously.
Women, who have higher estrogen levels than men, are often emotional beings… add in some Anxious Attachment (which can display as attacking/blaming our partners)… sprinkle with some primal unconscious fear that we are “too much” and will never be “met”…
And our emotions sometimes overwhelm even us.
And spill onto you.
Mom’s emotions overwhelmed her. And you, as a Little Boy. And Little Boy fought, withdrew, collapsed or froze. Freezing is the youngest stress reaction of them all.
(Exhale as you read this.)
Maybe Dad didn’t know how to help regulate Mom’s emotional state (help her be the calm, loving adult with Little Boy) or simply wasn’t at home to do so.
Without support, Little Boy actually experienced trauma.
So, as an adult, guess what happens when Girlfriend gets angry? Or blaming? Or super emotional?
Man (who still has Little Boy inside him) relives the trauma, has a Post Traumatic Stress reaction and loses his center. He gets disoriented. Foggy.
Sadly, this triggers Girlfriend more. She doesn’t know about Little Boy.
To hack the root of your masculinity with women, find out EXACTLY what triggers you.
Her specific words?
Her tone of voice? (Often disdain or blaming.)
Put your hands on your chest and belly (your vagus nerve) to calm your nervous system down.
TELL yourself “I am not going to die.”
Give compassion to Little Boy who’s had to do this alone WAY too many times. Don’t proceed until he gets that you are with him.
Have a compassionate, skilled woman (like a coach) role play this with you.
With her, Practice. Setting. Boundaries. Don’t allow disrespect.
AND realize that Girlfriend is more like Little Girl right now, and she might never have had loving containment (holding when she was agitated).
Compassion can help get you out of freeze.
When you can, lean (a tiny bit) in towards her, with warmth, and say:
“I’m listening. I hear you’re upset. I care about you. Thank you for telling me.”
Practice. Train yourself to move toward her through your freeze. Repetition is key.
The goal is to heal you.
(Turns out it’s the most important love-hack she could ever get from her man.)
Healthy Masculinity IS Secure Attachment.
HACK #8: Empathy is Essential
Once you have a bit of a handle on YOU – how YOU feel, how YOU think, what YOU want – the next step is Empathy for others.
Lets face it, without relationships, most of us are not particularly happy or balanced.
And without having the capacity for deep Empathy – to listen, to care, and to connect – our relationships can end up in the ‘too hard’ basket.
In my counselling practice I often end up coaching female clients to be very clear and precise in asking for what they want from their men-folk. The focus was on getting the female to realise that the guy can’t be expected to read her mind.
However, why do women have to be taught this? Maybe because they don’t actually have to do it so much with their female friends/family?
In general, (no, not in all cases), women are socialised into focusing on others and how they feel. And that means they get to practice empathy far more than your average bloke.
They get skilled.
So when it comes to relating to guys, they just don’t get it why he doesn’t get them.
HOW TO SKILL-UP IN EMPATHY
1. Get very present – no distractions – yes no distractions.
2. Energetically step into her/his body – imagine you can feel what it’s like for them
3. Don’t give advice unless asked
4. Make gentle listening /empathising noises. You are not necessarily agreeing with WHAT the other person is saying – you are agreeing with/allowing/validating their emotions
5. Take your focus off whether you agree with their words or not. You can be right, or lonely. Make a choice
6. Gently ask questions to find out more
Daily Practice: Ask yourself, ‘How is s/he feeling today?”
This might seem like a lot of work. But like all skills, it can take a bit of effort in the beginning, but once you have a handle on it, EVERYTHING BECOMES EASIER. It’s far less effort than the both of you having to explicitly explain every single thing you want and feel. Exhausting.
Doing Empathy is the short cut way to less drama, more connection… and probably more sex 😉
HACK #9: Your INTEGRITY is Sexy!
Remember this one thing guys; A good woman requires integrity from her man.
It’s the state of being “whole” or “undiminished”.
Therefore your words and actions must reflect each other. Which means you “walk your talk.” Only promise what you can deliver. That’s having integrity.
If you’re looking to gain credibility with a woman, tell her you’re going to do something – call her by a certain time, meet her somewhere, give her a certain experience – and then actually do it!
Integrity also means that you know who you are and that you have self-respect. You know what you believe in and what you stand for. And you stick with it, no matter how strong her feelings might call for something different.
Please don’t exchange your personal value for our approval. You may think she’ll hate you for it but if she does, it will only be for a second. What follows is pure admiration.
DON’T be a rigid asshole about it, but DO have principles you live by. You need to know what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate – principles that a woman can and should respect.
Keeping integrity with yourself means you have a personal code which will not allow you to be walked over or mistreated. This code doesn’t buckle for anyone (including her). THAT is sexy.
We women may never tell you this but here’s how we see it: If you don’t have the strength and integrity to stand up for yourself and stand up to us, how can you possibly stand up to the world on our behalf?
This is about having healthy boundaries. Trust me, women want you to have them. We won’t feel safe unless you do. If we cross your boundaries, it’s okay to confront us (without ego or scorn please). This is sexy guys! Women will respect you all the more for it. Because in the end we’ll know we can count on you.
Sexuality Coach for the Soulful Man, Triambika Ma Vive has been featured on Playboy TV, teaches international seminars and helps men to release shame, gain confidence with women, and connect their heart with their sexual energy.
CLICK HERE to schedule a free 90 minute Skype session. You’ll get clarity and insight on where you’re at, where you want to be, and practical, actionable steps to help get you there.
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