I was speaking with a French friend recently about the importance of sex in a relationship. I made the statement that for a relationship to work, sex is the most important thing. He replied in strong disagreement, insisting that sex is only the half of it, and that deep connection, trust, openness and love are just as important. To which I replied, “That’s sex, isn’t it?”
What followed was a long conversation about sex, but what emerged from our multilingual discussion was the need to differentiate between sex and what I refer to as Sex (with a capital S).
For me, small s sex is just that – small. It’s a limited act that involves bodies and genitals, but not much more, and whilst it can be undeniably pleasurable, it’s not the kind of sex that will sustain a relationship on its own. It can only take you so far, and often leaves us wondering if there is something missing.
Sex with a capital S is the kind of sex that changes your life. It’s the kind of sex that lights you up and turns you on. It’s the kind of sex that is deeply grounding for a relationship and healing to your soul. It can transform you. It can transform your partner. It can transform your relationship. And it keeps transforming you each and every time, because there’s always deeper to go. Always.
It’s not always easy. The price of admission is a complete and sometimes ruthless stripping back of the protective layers that we wear. It demands that we come together in complete openness and vulnerability – to trust enough to let another see a side of us that no one else sees. It takes radical honesty and authenticity, and a willingness to be raw. It’s not always pretty either, but it’s always worth it. Allowing yourself to be seen like that and trusting in another person to hold space for you is not something we can do with everyone. And that’s what makes it so sacred.
The beautiful perfection of it is the metaphor in action. As your man penetrates you, he penetrates your soul. As you take him deeper inside you, you open yourself in vulnerability and let him deeper into your heart. And as your bodies merge and the lines between you blur, you experience what it means to be in union with someone else, in body, mind and soul. It’s the union of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, Shiva and Shakti – the polar energies that move the earth – and it’s in this sacred act that they merge and know what it is to feel as one again. It’s the divine union realised through our own flesh and blood.
And yet it’s interesting how often we compartmentalise sex. We see it as only one aspect of the relationship, believing that the other connection, openness and trust work happens outside of the bedroom. Of course it does, but for me, the bedroom is exactly the right place to dive in deep. Sex is both the barometer for the health of a relationship and the medicine. Our willingness to come together in openness and vulnerability says a lot about how much openness and vulnerability we have in our overall relationship. When we hide from sex we’re hiding from each other, and it tells us that there’s something big that we’re afraid to confront. But fear is good. Fear tells us that we’re on the edge, on the brink of radical breakthrough and change, if only we have the courage to push through it. And the best way to push through is to jump right in. In to each other. To feel connection, body to body, heart to heart, eye to eye. To hold each other’s gaze beyond what is comfortable, to be naked together beyond what is confronting, to break through the distance and the shit that can build up between two people in a relationship, and into connection. And then see what comes up. Allow the tears and the delight, the joy and the pain, the pleasure and the passion, and always the truth.
And this is how Sex with a capital S has changed my life. It has shown me parts of myself I didn’t know and has taught me how to be in love with another person beyond what I ever thought possible. And it keeps on showing me. It’s why I dedicate my life to supporting other women (and couples) in their own sexual journeys and to help the world have more Sex.
(Note – When I refer to man and woman in union, what I refer to is the union of two polar energies, masculine and feminine, which I believe manifest in all types of relationships – including intimate relationships between two men or two women. The idea of two people uniting is the same for all relationships, no matter the external labels. I simply refer to man and woman as this is my own personal reality, from which all of my work springs. Feel free to insert the labels that you feel fit you best.)
Hi, I’m Jodie. A life, love and sexual empowerment coach. I work with women and couples to help them create the lives, love and sex they’ve always wanted. More love, more passion, more pleasure and more fulfilment. Read more about me here.